This post isn’t about productivity, organization, or finding inspiration.
It’s a personal reflection about how someone’s death motivated me to live. I’m not writing it for you, though I hope you find something worthwhile here.
I am looking at this website, imperfect and new, and it feels like something is missing. I can’t launch this project until I fix it.
It’s missing me.
So, here I am… and here we go.
In April, one of my favorite professors committed suicide. He made me feel seen, understood, confident, smart, and not alone. The last time I saw him, he enveloped me in his arms and said goodbye. I began to cry, realizing I hadn’t been held in… too long.
I was on my way to class when I found out he was gone. Awkwardly, I locked myself in the bathroom and pulled up his blog. There it was, complete with citations, his suicide post (because it’s 2017 and no one writes letters anymore).
Reading his suicide note, I thought “I could have written this”.
I had known for a long time that something had to change, but was slow to make things happen. My big dreams were on the backburner and I was frozen by anxiety and fear (read more: Why Your Big Dreams Keep Failing). Sitting in my journal, I had a list of goals I wanted to achieve in the next 10 years. TEN YEARS.
I decided 10 years is too long. That dream life? It has to happen NOW.
That day, I drove straight to the animal shelter and adopted my first dog. (Her name is Boo and I am crazy about her and she makes me happy every single day okay let’s keep it moving because I could write about my love for Boo all fkn day eeeeee!). I had been going back and forth about getting a dog and I just did it.
I took action. I got a doggo, finally defended my master’s thesis, started DJing, and officially called it quits on pursuing this (wretched) PhD. Now I am taking action on another dream – starting Grade 21!
Sometimes, I still feel a pang of grief about my departed role model, but I am thankful for the lessons I’ve learned. Here’s to many more.
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